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Friday, July 31, 2015

By Eva M. Heater

When berries are not in season, bacon is. Bacon is ALWAYS in season. So, let’s make some jam!

This recipe is loosely based on a recipe I bumped into online. But, since I am pathologically incapable of following a recipe as written and presented to me, this recipe has my indelible stamp on it. This is some good shit. Jar this up and give as holiday or birthday swag, and you will be worshipped as the goddess/god that you know you are. Make this when you have a couple of hours to putter around the house. You don’t have to stand over it as it cooks down, just stir it once in a while, thus the puttering.

1.    As many cloves of garlic as you have around the house (because it’s a fact that it’s impossible to put too much garlic in anything), chopped. Don’t chop them down into atoms; just a rough chop will do. NB: don’t squish them in a garlic press.
2.    1 medium-large yellow or red onion, chopped.
3.    1 pound of bacon, whatever kind thrills you, chopped into 1-inch pieces
4.    ¼ cup light brown sugar
5.    1 cup coffee, whatever kind thrills you, or that you have leftover in the pot
6.    ¼ cup cider vinegar (DON’T SUBSTITUTE ANY OTHER KIND, YOU HEATHEN WHO KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT VINEGARS!!! If this statement doesn’t apply to you, ignore it)
7.    ¼ cup maple sugar*
8.    Black pepper to taste; if the type of bacon that thrills you is one that has a spicy/peppery coating, don’t include more pepper
9.    Water

*If you don’t have access to maple sugar, use 1/3 cup of maple syrup, and back off a little on the water during the simmering. If you don’t have access to either maple syrup or maple sugar, I feel really really sorry for you, and question your life choices. If this is indeed the case, add 1/3 cup of light brown sugar instead of ¼ cup. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, SUBSTITUTE THAT UNGODLY “PANCAKE SYRUP” CRAP YOU GET IN THE SUPERMARKET IN THE STUPID-SHAPED BOTTLES. IT IS EVIL AND I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU IF YOU USE IT IN MY RECIPE.

Haul out your big, heavy cauldron. Yes, that one that you wonder if it’s still seasoned, so you don’t use it. Use it. Fry the bacon in it, not uber-crispy, but brown around the edges. Drain off all but about 2 tablespoons of the bacon fat.
Sautee (I KNOW THIS WORD SHOULD HAVE AN ACUTE OR A GRAVE OVER ONE OF THE Es, BUT I HATE SEARCHING FOR IT ON THE ‘SYMBOLS’ GRID SO LEAVE ME ALONE!!!) the onion and garlic in the bacon fat until translucent. Add the bacon back in, plus everything else except the water.
Simmer on very low heat for 2 hours, adding ¼ cup of water every 15-20 minutes or so, to keep it moist.
Take off the heat and let it cool to room temperature. Put the whole mess into your food processor and process JUST until it can be spread on toast with a spoon and looks a little like jam. Don’t liquefy it.

Jar it up and keep refrigerated.

Copyright 2015 by Eva M. Heater. You steal my prose I kill you!!! 

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